maysa laeng 
a sabali a babai 
ni pamela vera palma 

Actually stories are not fictions but the extensions of truth. Its not mere imagination but the figment of the reality but was given much exaggeration.

I am a writer and this is my story. You may find it boring but I don't care… I type till my fingers ache, and express all the feeling that I have right at this moment.

Maysaak a feminista, follower ni Lualhati Bautista. Saanna ngata nga ammo nga adda followerna but now mabalinen a maammuanna. Like her, I antagonized the 'once upon a time and they live happily ever and after' stories, ngamin kinabastos dagitoy iti kinapudno. What excites me is how couple survive the first day to five days living together without strangling each other.

Probably that's the reason why me and my troop in college founded an underground organization of women. A feminist organization. Ti ideami, no chauvinist pig ti lalaki, tiliwenmi sami iparames iti sangaarban a bakla. No babai met a mamatpati iti panangikahon kenkuana ti gimong, i-transformmi into a fighter kas ken ni Gabriela Silang. But from that childish idea, we developed the higher concern for women, we realized the truth behind the patriarchal society sorrounding us. Daytay kas iti pammati a no saankan a virgin, maysakan a puta. Daytay no assertiveka manipud iti kama agingga iti ideolohia ket saankan a maikari a mapakasaran, maysaka nga enigma. Daytay babaika, addaanka iti maysa a kahon a pagrikrikusam ket saanmo a mabalin ti rummuar iti dayta a punieta a kahon. Dayta! Maysa pay dayta, no babaika saan a rumbeng nga agtabbaawka. Puta nga ama!

But truth is higher than this, addada pay nakarkaro a kinapudno malaksid kadagitoy.

Adu may ti binukelmi a pammati a simmagepsep iti pusok. I promised to myself that I will never be fooled by patriarchal men, and their likes. Until I graduated college.

My first relationship is a mess. He believe that my ideology is good, but he think it is not practical. Ket ania koma ti praktikal??? Agnunogkami kadagiti pammati ti lubong iti no aniakami. Isu nga iti ababa a sarita, we end up almost strangling each other.

My friend said, I have to be a little feminine if I want my relationship to last longer. Kayatna a sawen, sangkabassit a lie low, sangkabassit nga emma, sangkabassit a pa-demure. You have to pretend you're weak tapno alalayannaka iti agdan ken iluktannaka iti ridaw. You have to pretend you're vulnerable to accident tapno adda isuna iti dangerous side ket addaka met iti safe side of the road. You have to pretend that you are not interested uray pay no patay na pataykan kenkuana, ngamin dagiti lallaki kaykayatda daytay marigrigatan. Ngarud, YOU HAVE TO PRETEND AND BE STUPID ENOUGH, FORGET ABOUT YOUR REAL SELF TAPNO MAKASILOKA ITI PRINCE CHARMING! Damn it!

Ngem diak inaramid ti kasta. I stick to rule of being myself. And I end up transferring from one relationship to another. Kaslaak la agpallapallayog iti relasion. I didn't blame it on being myself, it happen not because I am less than a woman but because men are damn fool blinded by this patriarchal society. They want women who does not exist and temporarily exist in pretensious ones. Isu siguro nga adu ti broken marriages, its because people love pretending and when they are confronted with the real self they get so scared and so shocked, that after a year or two they almost want to kill their wife/husband.

However, I don't want to play safe by looking at other people's lives for I have my own. Isu ngarud nga estoriak daytoy ta kukuak daytoy.

It has come into my lifetime that I fall terribly in love with a man I don't even know. Idi damo, ipagarupko nga am-ammok isuna ken kunak no saan a patriarchal. Ngem saan gayam, he also belong to the mob. Familiar, di kadi? Ngamin adun ti sarsarita a kas itoy ket kas iti impressionko kadagiti babai a nagsuraten iti kakastoy, ammok a kayatmo met a pungotpungoten. Anyway, dika agdanag ta pinungotpungotdakon dagiti gagayyemko a feminista. Ket kas iti usual martir character, kastoy met ti dialogko: "Ti laeng kayatko met koma ti agragsak ken maaddaan iti makatakunaynay a maawatnak a kas siak, NGEM..."

I sincerely disclose myself, the person in me, the heart in me, the child in me, the mother in me, everything that I have. He've seen my complexities, my weaknesses my boastfulness, my craziness, everything.

But like the real stories we end up. Not even knowing why or how. We just end up.

Kinuna ni nanangko: "Tangaka!!! Ipagarupko pay met no masiribka!!! Tangaka gayam!!!" Grabe! I almost believe I am stupid. I've cried thousand times, questioning myself why and how everything went wrong. Nagpakatototoo naman ako, sister! APAY A NAPASAMAK KANIAK TI KASTOY?

I guess he is another patriarchal men on the mob. He belong to them. And of course I don't deserve any one from the mob.

I am just so sad that I was fooled, that I was deceived.

But now, my struggle is harder, I have this past that is not easy to forget and to be set aside. Nagrigat! No ti napalabas la koma ket kasla laeng rugit a maipagpag ken malipatanen, ne, ket labaak pay koma ken ikulada! Isuna laeng, ti la maysa a pagsaksakitan ti nakemko iti lubong ket no apay a saanak man a laeng a nakabales. Naks, typical story a talaga, ania? Tapno naiparamesko koma isuna iti sangaarban a bakla!

Isuna laeng ta diak maaramid. I can't take revenge. Nagrigat gayam ti kasdiay. You're so angry and you have no one to outpour it, masaksaktak la ngarud ti bagik. There's this night that I cut my legs hoping that as blood flows ket mapukaw metten ti saksakit ti nakemko. Ngem madi latta. The struggle against hate is so hard. I live each day convincing myself that I don't have the hate anymore but I can't fool myself.

Itak la a maammuan ti kaipapanan ti gura. For whenever a new man get interest in me, and found out my story, the person end up measuring how small my reputation is. Kas man la a ti kinataok ken nakasilpon iti napasamak a naminsan laeng iti biagko.

Apay a kasdiay? Why do we see people on their past not as who they are but how they live their past and their lives as a failure? I was taken like I've been into the prostitution den, just because I had this past. And I deserve to be lonely in my entire life, for no one will take me again with my whole self, by my broken self.

Why do we entangle the reputation of a woman into how many men she've gone through? And if someone else's get the base ahead, sobsobra laengen isuna? Ukininana! Saankami a taraon!!!

I have worked so hard to earn my reputation. I have build it on a stone. I have build it with much blood and sweat. I have done everything in my lifetime to have a good name. And now its all broken into pieces, no one dares to listen to me. Gapu laeng iti napalabasko. As if I've done everything wrong. As if I have no future at all, as if I have no worth at all, as if I don't deserve to have a family, to have children. Gapu laeng ta iti naminsan ket nagbiddutak.

This society has never changed, and lucky are the women who found the extraordinary men who takes them as they are and not as how men expect them to be.

I don't know if I'll find one, but as much as I am concerned, I am me, I am better, I am stronger, I will never change my perspective. I will be who I am no matter what. And lucky is the person who will take me as I am, for the thing that I could offer is sincerity, and love. Judge me as you judge other women like me, but you can never change the person within, for my foundation is strong.