SETIEMBRE 20. ....Agduan a tawenna. Malpaston ti kontratana. Agawiden. Agkallaysakamin. Maragsakanak. Ngem maragsakanak a saan. Kaano 'di naudi a suratna? First week of August pay. Replied it at once. Follow up after a week. Ngem awan pay subalitna. Uray tawagna la koma. Wenno voice tape. What's happening? He's changing a lot. Saan a sigud a kasta. Last year, almost weekly nga agsurat, agtawag. Twice a month a voice tapes.

Makalagipak. And don't know ngem felt cozy remembering. Sweet memories. Adda kasla mariknak nga iliw. Seems fascinated of the past. Malaglagipko man. Sweet little cute memories. Di nagbaliw. Isu pay la idi. His friendship. His simpleness. His thoughtfulness. His closeness. Nakaragragsakak. Sort of joy a diak ammo no apay mariknak being with his company. More I believe a gapu ta Sadiri is an old friend and I'm used to him. Ken patiek met a gapu ngata ta adda ammok. Yes, adda ammok. A kasla kaykayatko a malagip a malagip. Perhaps ta mariknak a kasla I'm privileged and lucky. That he loved me once...

Cards uray diak pay birthday. Uray di met Valentines, Christmas wenno New Year. Itan, awanen. Pati saggaysa a suratna, sabalidan. They're new. Lacking something. Usual greetings. Hello, love. Take care. I love you. Missing you --Cedrick. Still are sweet and thoughful and kind. Ngem I don't seem to feel like it before. Sarsarita kadi metten daytoy a situasion? Daytoy a relasion? I've read a lot: lovers a naginnaddayo. Idi damo, halos inaldaw ti communicationda. Ti il-iliwda. Ti dawdawatda nga agkita, agsao, agdenna iti uray la koma sumagmamano a kanito. Agbaybayag, awanen. Kumiskisangen ti suratda. Agbayag pay, manmanon. Agbayag pay bassit, awanen a pulos. Awanen ti ayan-ayat. Gapuna: nakasarak wenno nailaw-andan iti sabali. Corny. Fiction. Estoria iti romance paperback. Drama iti radio. Sarsarita iti komiks. But why, kastan san ti mapaspasamak kadakami ken Cedrick. Why, isn't it that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Mamatiak met ketdi. As far as the love that we have is concerned, adda met a mariknak. Love him, yes, I do. Same with him, patiek met. But of what's happening, I feel something but that I don't know what and why. Masdaawak met iti bagik. What's this, really? Mailiwak la kadi unayen? Maila? Or am I afraid? But of what? Or do I doubt? But doubt what?

Nobiembre 24. ....No ur-urnongek ti saksakit ti nakemko, adun. But trying not to harbor them. Lalo la a masaktanak. A maupayak. Pabasolek kadi? That he seems uncommitted? A kasla timmamnayen? Ngem awatek. Dagiti sorryna. His excuses. His reasons why he's unable to write or call often. Busy. Busy bee. Trabaho. Destino. Bannog. Disierto. Ngem diak la koma kayaten ngem pinabarom manen ti kontratam. Apay a kasla kayatmo ti agtalinaed dita? Another two years. I'll have to wait and expect the same two years again. Apay? Masdaawak man unay itoy a desisionmo. Dimo impasigud. Imbagam ngem nalpasen. Apay, awan kadin karbengak ? Diak sa maawat ti rasonmo a for our own good. For our own sake. Dika pay contented ti urnongmo a pangrugianta? Why, diak met kalikaguman ti kinasaliwanwantanto kas agassawa. Simple lang met ti kayatko a married life. Long as we'll be happy. Long as we live life as life and not live life as a mere existence... Maldaanganak man. Worried. Dua manen a tawen nga agurayta. Naunday a panawen. Uray man no nabaelanta ti umuna a dua a tawen. We can not be as sure. No bilang ania, we can't blame fate afterwards. Adu ti mabalin a mapasamak...

Disiembre 27. Wen, kompleto met laengen ti Paskuak. Uray awanka. Received today his voice tape and some gift packages. Sorry, sorry, kunkunam latta. You're just busy. Ala, mamatiakon. Narabaw met laeng ti ragsak ti babai. KSP a talaga no kua. Ket ammom la unay met ti agpa-impress: Three letters, mailed successively within a week before the 25th. Received them right at Christmas day. Plus cards of all sort. At least, naawan dagiti insecuritiesko, my doubts. Corny dagitoy ibagbagam iti tape. Paysuem koma ngarud ti agawiden. Agkallaysatan. I don't care of your high-paying job dita. Okey met ti trabahom ditoy. My job, too. We can make a living and a family. Uray diakton agtrabaho koma. Lokom, masaom amin ti kasta iti tape. Miss me terribly? Ipapasmonton no makaawidka. No makapagkasartan, of course. Sus, mahal na mahal na mahal kano. Anyway, I'll live your trust. Agurayak...

(SUMARUNO A TAWEN)

Enero 11. Surprised today. Old friend, actually, childhood friend and classmate and neighbor Sadiri is home. Came this Saturday. Nakigtotak. Don't expect a visitor. Washing clothes and fixing things. Bigla latta nga addan. Smiling. Ket napamuttalengak. Don't know the feeling. Natarantaak. Diak pay nakaayos ken adu a wara iti balay. It's alright. He's not new met. An old friend. Five, wen, five years nga awan. Working in Saudi, too. Kinnumusta. Pinnadamag. Mentioned our wedding and wished me the best. Him, awan kano pay gfna. Husto ti ipadpadamag ni Cedrick. Thought then a nakasaraken. Ibagbagana met idi. We've been writing also sometimes. Ngem naputed. Sadiri, 28 year-old bachelor computer analyst, awan nobiana. Saan a nagbayag. Naidagas kano laeng. Agawid pay idiay probinsia, idiay ilimi a Dupax del Norte. Adu ti pasarabona kaniak. My favorite chocolates (ammona latta dagiti brandko), perfumes. And a solid 24K gold necklace with a heart shaped-locket. Medio nasdaawak. Why should he give me such? Idi awanen, linuktak ti locket. Adda picturena sadiay. Medio masdaawak latta. Ngem pinengdak ti ag-conclude though I remember a thing or two... Awan adu a nasaritana. Agdardaras. Mentioned Cedrick. Okey kano met. Ngem wondering ta awan man la ti letter wenno bilin ni Cedrick para kaniak. Intulod kano pay ni Cedrick iti airport. But I don't mind it.

Enero 25. Kanayon manen a sumarungkar ni Sadiri. The passed days, frequent iti opisina. Processing his papers. Agtrabaho manen. Felt good. Officemateskaminto manen... And enjoyed his company today. Immay ita a weekend a kaduana da Elaine ken Francis. Instead of going out, preferred to stay indoors. Naglutokam' ken Elaine iti pizza ken hamburger. Played scrabble, monopoly, computer games. Nagmalmalemkami. 'Twas fun... Lot of things a napagsarsaritaan. Talked of marriage things. Ang-angaw. Kaaanonto kano kadakam' ken Cedrick. Ni Sadiri, kakaasi iti kantiaw. 28nan, awan gfna. Di kadi kano madanagan? Apay a di sumarak? Tapno addan ibalayna ti baro a gatangna a house and lot? He just smiling. Searching still, kinunana. Me wondering also. Ket can't help thinking of the things I presume to be the causes why a kasta ni Sadiri. Makalagipak. And don't know ngem felt cozy remembering. Sweet memories. Sadiri, me and Cedrick's old days. Adda kasla mariknak nga iliw. Seems fascinated of the past. Malagalagipko man. Lalo ta agkaraumay these days ni Sadiri. Sweet little cute memories. Di nagbaliw. Isu pay la idi. His friendship. His simpleness. His thoughtfulness. His closeness. Nakaragragsakak. Sort of joy a diak ammo no apay mariknak being with his company. Gapu ngata ta mailaak ken ni Cedrick ket adda 'toy gayyemna a kasla proxy? Ngem diak kayat a panunoten a kasta. More I believe a gapu ta Sadiri is an old friend and I'm used to him. Ken patiek met a gapu ngata ta adda ammok. Yes, adda ammok. A kasla kaykayatko a malagip a malagip. Perhaps ta mariknak a kasla I'm privileged and lucky. That he loved me once. Sadiri secretly cherished a love for me, ammok. Ngem diak ammo no adda pay la dayta ita. And I think, kayatko koma nga awanen. Why? Awatenna koman a saanak a para kenkuana. Good for him now to find another woman and finally settle. Kaasiak. He should not hope anymore for me. It's a waste. Saan a siak ti babai a deserving iti ayatna. Makasapul met koman iti sabali. A kaikarianna. He should also be happy. Diak ammo. But I care for him to care for himself. My friend, my childhood pal...

Enero 28. ....Writing this day's journal sakbay a maturogak when the phone rang. Ni Elaine. Adda imbagana. Naammuanna kano ken ni Sadiri. Maipapan ken Cedrick... So shocked of it. Dinak ang-angawen, kunak. Ngem isut' pudno, Elaine said. According to Sadiri. Di kano kayat ni Sadiri a maammuak. Ngem Elaine so concerned she told me... I cried. Cried and cried. Diak kayat a patien. Ni Cedrick? Naaramidna ti kasdiay kaniak? Narigatko a patien. But Sadiri, Cedrick's bestfriend, told it. Diak kadi patien no ni Sadiri ti nagsao? I knew him, I know him so well. Diak malagip a nagparbo wenno nagulbod kaniak iti unos ti panaglanglangenmi. Know him to be so honest and sincere and true. A thoughtful and so concerned a friend...

Enero 29. ....Got excused iti trabaho. Wanted to see Sadiri. Diak nakaturog last night. Cried and cried thinking. Wanted to see Sadiri. Need to talk to him. Called him. Immay met a dagus. Inusisak a sigud. Di nakatagari idi damo. Might be alarmed why Elaine bared me the fact. Kayatna pay la nga ilimed ti aramid ti gayyemna. I began to cry. Indawatko a sawenna a mismo kaniak ti pudno. Langanat' mariribukan. Marigatan nga agsao. Hesitant. Begged him. Perhaps he was touched with my tears ket imbaganan ti amin. Diak koma kayat nga ipalgak ta kasla traidorek ni Cedrick ngem I feel more concerned kenka and you should know, kinunana. Sadiri confirmed: adda sabali a kaayan-ayat ni Cedrick, actually, kalive-inna kano payen, idiay Riyadh. Filipina kano met laeng. Saan kano nga aware ni Cedrick nga ammo ni Sadiri ti maipapan itoy. Sadiri just learned it from a co-worker of Cedrick. Reliable source. Awan adu a detalye ni Sadiri about it or particularly about the woman. Ngem pinatik amin. Sadiri told it and I believe it. Cried and cried. Maamiriskon. Agpayso. Ammokon. I think I see it. No apay a namalbaliw ni Cedrick. No apay a kasla manglikliklik. No apay a timmamnay. No apay. No apay. No apay... Addan sabali. Ket kaniak, padpadasenna laengen a kaluban ti basolna. Giving me but false hopes. It hurts. It's a waste....

Pebrero 14. Aldaw kano dagiti puso. Red letter day para kadagiti agaayan-ayat. Received Valentine cards from Cedrick early this morning. Ngem laloak la lumdaang ken masuron. He's playing me. Maituredna pay la ti agpammarang. Apay a maaramidmo ti kastoy? Ket apay nga ilimedmo pay laeng? Mas maawatko koman no aminem ti amin... Ladingitek. Masursurokon a guraenka. Ikarkarik a dikan kayat a makita pay. Diakon subalitan dagit suratmo. Or answer your calls. So desperate. Diak ammo ti umno a panunotek ken aramidek. Diak maawat dagitoy. Our love. Our dreams. Amin-amin. Awanen. Naibturka man. Sika met gayam ti narasi. Babawyek kadi ti amin? Wenno daytoy kadi a talaga ti gasatko? Ngem nasaem a panunoten. A kastoy ti pagtun-oyan ti amin. Nagayatak, wen. Nagtalekak unay. Nagituredak. Nangnamnamaak. Saan nga asi-asi ti impabus-oyko a rikna ken panawen. I invested not just feelings but love... (Itoy a rabii, simmarungkar ni Sadiri. Di nagpakita manipud kinasaritak about Cedrick. Nagpa-probinsia gayam. Perhaps he's afraid, too, ta baka mairaman a kagurak. Ngem I think dina la kayat a makita ti panagladingitko. Inaminna idi damagek. Diak imbaga ti kasla sakit ti nakemko ta pimmanaw ketdin while I'm in despair. Imbes koma nga adda a kadua da Elaine ken Francis a nangpatpatibker kaniak. Guess, feel secured and contented being with Sadiri. Gayyemko ngamin. Kaubingak. Naruamak kenkuana.... Ket immay ita a naka-t-shirt iti deep red. Valentines' Day. Diak nakatagari idi adda intedna a maysa a nakalablabaga a rose. Diak ammo, metten a diak maiwaksi ngamin a panunoten a kasla quitskamin ken ni Cedrick...)

May 29. Awanen sapulek. Awanen kalikagumak. I'm happy with Sadiri. Feel blessed, lucky, precious. No regrets ever. No doubts. Now sure. Talaga nga ay-ayatek. Ket ni Cedrick, gone forever. Awanen a dagensen. No more. Must be. And find all new ken ni Sadiri. New hopes and new dreams and new plans.....

Hunio 13. ....Cedrick called up. Diak namnamaen. Felt hatred. Diak la koma sungbatan. Ngem adda ketdi man seggak. As if missing him ta nabayagen a diak nakaawat iti letterna wenno nagtawag koma. Of which are, naruamak ngaminen.... Ammon ni Cedrick ti amin. Impakaammo met la ni Sadiri. Cedrick confronted me: narukopak kano. Unfaithful. Di mapangnamnamaan. (Wondered why Cedrick singled me out ket dinan sa met kagura ni Sadiri.) And I flared up. Isuna pay ti agsao iti kakasta? Sinidirko met: basolmo, binaybay-annak. You failed your promises. You abandoned me. You didn't care enough... (Ngem diak imbagbaga ti pudno a naammuak. Ti impalgak ni Sadiri. Guraenna la ketdi ni Sadiri, I'm sure. Traidor a gayyem, kunana la ketdi ken ni Sadiri.) Adut' kayat a sawen ni Cedrick. Demanded me to hear him patiently. Ngem diak pinalubosan. Hate him. He's a liar. Maibturanna pay la ti agpammarang. He should feel it why I have forsaken him. Awan karbenganna nga agsao kaniak iti kakasta. Should blame himself. Isu ti guilty....

Hunio 27. ....Tawag latta a tawag ni Cedrick. Kasla adda kayatna nga ipudno. Ngem dina met ngarud maibagabaga. Ketdi, agpakpakaasi. Dumawdawat iti pammakawan. Iti pannakaawat. Touched, somehow. Ngem diak kayat a kasao. No more. Awankamin. He should accept it... Choosed not to communicate with Cedrick this time or anymore. Amkek a makapadakes laeng ti ayan-ayatmi ken ni Sadiri. Sadiri not mentioning about Cedrick either. (Wondering still. Why a siak ti riribuken ni Cedrick. Awan met masasaona ken ni Sadiri. Maybe because Sadiri is his bestfriend ket sport laeng met ni Cedrick. But I think I won't mind this thing. Have to forget it. Have to forget Cedrick eventually.)

Hulio 26. ....Sinardengannak met laeng a riribuken ni Cedrick. Din timmawtawag since June. Naawatna ngatan ti amin. Maasianak met kenka, Cedrick. I loved you also that much. Diak agbabawi nga inayatka. Babawyek laeng ti kita ti ayatmo. Dita agkagasat. Ni Sadiri gayam a talaga ti gasatko. Yes, sure. I'm so happy with him. We're talking of getting married now. Sharing plans and dreams. Talking of our future family life. Kids. Kayatko, uppatto koma. Two boys, two girls. Tallo met ti idealna. 4 and 3. Well, uray pay ket pito ngatan. So that we'll both have our wishes. Funny.

Agosto 17. We finally agreed to get married. Maragsakanak unay-unay. Nabayagen a dreamko. Maikallaysa iti ay-ayatek, kapkapnekak a lalaki iti biagko....

Setiembre 23. One week vacation in the province ended. Natulagen ti kasarmi. Inton January. First week. Di pay na- finalize ti petsa. Iti met la probinsia, iti bariomi idiay Mabasa, Dupax del Norte, ti venue. Our parents and relatives don't agree iti siudad. OK met ketdi. Always fond and fascinated iti aw-away. Iti paspasken iti bario. Ngem addanto celebration iti siudad for our friends here. So happy. So excited. (Ngem dumlawak man iti nobiok. Kasla ketdin mapilpilit ti riknana a maragsakan. Apay ngata? Ngem diak ibagbaga ti madmadlawko. Diak idukdukit. Siguro, I'll just have to observe further to find out why. Ngem diak met kayat ti agipapan. Diak kayat ti ag- panunot iti aniaman.)

Setiembre 26. Preparation going on. Elaine helps. Excitedkami. Ang-angaw. Kankantiaw.... Madmadi latta ti idaw ni Sadiri. Nadlaw met ni Elaine.... Elaine mentioned Cedrick. Adda sabali a nakitak a reaction ni Sadiri. Ngem awan mapanunotko a gapu ti kayatko nga ipapan. Ceased thinking of it....

Setiembre 31. ....Saanen a mailinged ni Sadiri. Adda la ketdi parikutna. I'm afraid it's so big and serious a problem....

Oktubre 2.....Pinilitko nga inammo. And Sadiri told the truth....

Oktubre 10. ....Troubled. Confused. Desperate. Ania ti aramidek? Been thinking the whole week. Ngem feel nabibineg amin a riknak. Doubts. Frustrations. Evaluations. Questions. Diak ammo. Diak sa maawat nga inallilawnak. Gapu kano iti ayat. Should I understand? Should I forgive? Diak ammo ti umno. Agin-inniwaskamin. Afraid of the gap. Ni laengen Elaine ti mamagbabaet kadakami....

Oktubre 13. Nagsuratak ken ni Cedrick. Diak ammo no husto daytoy a desisionko. Ngem kayatko a maammuan ni Cedrick ti amin. Kayatko a sidiren. No apay a sinuotnak. Apay a nagduadua iti ayatna. Apay a nagduadua iti ayatko. Want also to justify things and myself. A saanak a kas iti pinatina. Saanak a nangliput iti relasionmi. And that I could not be blamed. I wrote him. Dayta la ti ammok a panggepko. To inform him the truth. No aniaman ti reaksionna, diak kayaten a pattapattaen. Up to him. Subalitanna wenno saan. Basta imbagakon. Also a justification to my thinking I've wrong Cedrick. Sapay ta maawatanna. Sapay ta ma-acceptna. Sapay ta malpasen daytoy a parikut. I wish maaddaanak koman iti umiso a keddeng... Diak ammo. Ngem kasla ay-ayek met itan ni Cedrick. I feel so guilty. Diak ngamin inkaskaso daydi pakaasina. Ti dawatna nga agpalawag. Should have listened to him idi. Ngem no apay met a dina maibaga idi. Wenno uray insuratna laeng. Ah, ta basolna. Aramidna met la ngamin. Ngem diak sa mapabasol. Ah, diak ammo ti kedngak... (I mailed the letter. Ket maburiboranak metten. I feel guilty also ken ni Sadiri. Kaasi met. Diak metten italtalek the passed days. Ammok, nasakit amin kenkuana. My silence. My thinking of Cedrick again. Ngem kasanok a kontrolen ti diak met matengngel a pampanunotko? I don't know of a right thing. I'm so confused. No apay met. Mabutengak. Diak ammo. My sympathy now is also with Cedrick. Ket no ania met ti reaksion ni Cedrick no maammuanna ti amin, diak ammon.... Dear Lord, help me. Help us. Dimo koman itulok a dumakkel dagitoy a parikut. Ikkannak, Lord, iti naan-anay ken nalinteg a pampanunot....)

TI AUTOR